Beauty shines through

I can remember one of the first times I felt like something was fundamentally wrong with me.  I was sitting in my Grandmother's living room getting a talking to about not sticking to my diet and being overweight.  I must have been about 10 years old.  My Gram looked down at my thighs and shook her head with disgust.  I can't remember her exact words, but it was very clear that if I didn't do something about my weight, I was never going to be accepted, seen and loved for who I am.  

It still stings when I feel the message she was sending me.  A friend of mine recently told me that what my Gram said would be considered emotional abuse in today's world.  In my world, it was just a way of being and relating.  I didn't know anything different, and the world around me seemed to support exactly what she said.  But this is not a blog about being emotionally abused as a child or even being angry at my Gram for supporting this conditioning that dominates our culture.  She was just trying to love me and protect me from the world in the best way she knew how.  She had been given this same message from her elders, too.

So, she passed the baton to me, and for some miraculous reason, along the way, while I was carrying it, grace intervened.  My pain and extreme discomfort with life led me to question and enquire into the nature of reality, which revealed that no matter what happens I can never be defined by my experiences.  What I am at the source is untouched by any experience, and yet is present in every experience as love, possibility, innocence and wonder.  This realization has changed my life in every possible way.  And yet, nothing has changed at all - I'm still here experiencing all the limitations and short comings of what it is to be human.  And now I'm raising a beautiful baby girl.  So, I am drawn to share my experiences of what it's like to be a mom as I embrace the deeper essence of my being and go beyond the conditioning that was passed down.

Yesterday while my baby girl and I were in the park with my friend and her little boy, we were talking about how fun it will be this summer to take the kids in the pool and start swim lessons.  As we were talking about this, I got a sick feeling in my stomach.  It wasn't unfamiliar to me.  I kept on talking with her as a huge wave of fear rushed through.  Feelings of being fat and ugly bubbled up inside as memories of being picked on when I was a kid right in my own pool, none the less, stormed in.  I was flooded with shame and unworthiness.  I didn't flinch away from any of this and it passed through in a flash.  

This whole body image thing has come up again since having the baby.  I haven't been able to lose all my pregnancy weight yet so I've definitely been feeling down about it on and off lately. Part of me is totally fine with it, there is no dilemma at all about it - and actually freedom even in the struggle.  Even the waves of ugliness and self-hatred are fine to be here.  It feels like a miracle, really.  If you knew me before, you would know that this place used to devastate me completely.  I was trapped by the thoughts and had no space to choose anything else but to shut down.  The difference now is that even though these same thoughts still appear, I am not afraid of them because I am conscious of who I am at the source.  Light shines through - regardless of all the hubbub in my head.  

This bad body image place seems to hold a lot of weight, so to speak, but it doesn't seem personal to me.  I've been both overweight and at my ideal weight throughout my life and have known plenty of women who have the "perfect body type" who are unable to recognize the beauty that is living them.  Allowing the pain of this while experiencing the deeper essence of being is what transcends this universal conditioning and teaches our youth about their true beauty. 

This conditioning around beauty still influences our culture profoundly.  Everything we do affects one another, so it is important to stop and feel into what is motivating our actions.  What is the message under the message that we are sending to one another?  We must listen deeply and be honest.  

When I look into my baby girl's eyes and feel how much I love her, it gives me the courage to go beyond my initial reaction to run and hide.  I am called forth to stand vulnerable in the face of whatever is showing up and experience the rawness of Being.  And in the pain, beauty is revealed, every time. This is my teacher and guides both me and my baby girl into something totally new, beyond the conditioning that was passed down.