The Journey from Excruciating Doubt to Unwavering Self Trust
The essential thing I felt
was missing in my life was connection with myself on the deepest level.
After meeting my guru and diving deep into the void of nothingness, I
felt absolutely homeless in a world and body that once felt known to
me. I felt like I
was in a black hole and would never come out of it. My guru's
transmission of trust and teachings on surrender were my saving grace
during that time period. I had no idea how I would come through it, but
knowing that my guru knew the place I was in, had been
through it and wasn't afraid of it, was profoundly helpful. Still, she
couldn't do it for me. She couldn't open my eyes. I had to stay and keep
staying, and showing up as best as I could to hear the teachings. And
then after about a two year period of living
in this horrific state something shifted. I could tacitly feel that God
was real....not just a belief to comfort me. I could feel that God was
here, alive as life itself and that every time I would follow the
thoughts of "why am I here, if only to die" or "why
does any of this exist?", I was actually turning my back on myself, life
and all of my relationships and from God (all one in the same). I could
feel that all I needed to do was stay here and feel whatever was
arising for me and stop indulging in these thoughts.
I could feel that it felt better to stay here, even though I was not
relieved of feeling the pain of separation...I felt connected to myself
on the deepest level and this was all that mattered. Feeling the pain
of being here in this human body was fundamental
to feeling connected to myself. I felt saved from the endless spinning
of the mind. And from that point on I began the discernment process of
what was real verses what was a belief/mind activity.
Each time I stayed, breathed and relaxed through a wave of extreme fear and panic I was led to greater connection, so I began to trust the discomfort and places that felt unfamiliar in my consciousness. Over time, I was led to an even deeper embodiment of trust, and gradually I began to feel connected to myself even in the seemingly bad places and what had always been uncomfortable experiences for me. I no longer felt disconnected or like I was going in and out of trust when uncertainty or unpleasant feelings would arise. I began to feel a sense of trust no matter what state of consciousness was arising. I felt fundamentally okay, even when feelings of not being okay would come up. The energy was naturally allowed to move....no matter what it looked like. I was even okay in the most undesirable states like stuckness, fear, anger, self hatred, despair and inertia. I was no longer paralyzed by fear or afraid of these other states, nor did I see them as a problem in the way our society so often labels them (I.e. Anxiety and depressive disorders that frequently lead to medication and potentially permanent masking!).
This gave me great freedom to experience these states and really get up close and personal with them. I could look directly at my actions from a place of integrity and get honest with myself about what I was choosing. This no longer came from a mindset of "I should be doing something better for myself", or "if only I was awake I wouldn't feel this". Instead, it came from a the simple felt sense..."does this feel good in my system?" The biggest area where I noticed this was playing out was in body image, compulsive eating, obsessing about my weight and exercise - things that had tormented me my entire life. It was a radically different way of relating, to not be coming from a place of trying to fix myself or change my behavior because it wasn't acceptable or good enough. This simply was about if the action felt authentic, connected and in alignment with my source. This continues to embody and deepen in me. The freedom isn't to be done with any of it, it comes when there is total surrender to the endless unfolding and deepening into Love.
This transition also gave me the capacity to remain present in my intimate partnership with my husband, Chris and participate in areas where I had historically avoided. I began to embody and enjoy a sense of fearlessness in our dance together. I was no longer running from the states of consciousness that had threatened me, nor was I looking for fulfillment from Chris. I could participate from an entirely different viewpoint and was able to express deeply in extreme moments of difficulty. This would ultimately magnetize my husband into his heart. As I continued to allow the free dance of all the energies that were arising between us, I noticed that I became less reactive in difficult situations and more inclusive, present and available for real intimacy.
This just continues to be the case between us and in my life, in general. The connection with myself is the essential thing in all of this, though. It is not dependent on any relationship or ideal circumstance. This is what I know to be freedom. Falling deeply in love with the endless unfolding into Love, no matter how that looks. When attention shifts from looking for an end point to this great process of life, to simply being here, showing up exactly as you are for the dance and embodying greater depths of connection, you know you are Home.
Each time I stayed, breathed and relaxed through a wave of extreme fear and panic I was led to greater connection, so I began to trust the discomfort and places that felt unfamiliar in my consciousness. Over time, I was led to an even deeper embodiment of trust, and gradually I began to feel connected to myself even in the seemingly bad places and what had always been uncomfortable experiences for me. I no longer felt disconnected or like I was going in and out of trust when uncertainty or unpleasant feelings would arise. I began to feel a sense of trust no matter what state of consciousness was arising. I felt fundamentally okay, even when feelings of not being okay would come up. The energy was naturally allowed to move....no matter what it looked like. I was even okay in the most undesirable states like stuckness, fear, anger, self hatred, despair and inertia. I was no longer paralyzed by fear or afraid of these other states, nor did I see them as a problem in the way our society so often labels them (I.e. Anxiety and depressive disorders that frequently lead to medication and potentially permanent masking!).
This gave me great freedom to experience these states and really get up close and personal with them. I could look directly at my actions from a place of integrity and get honest with myself about what I was choosing. This no longer came from a mindset of "I should be doing something better for myself", or "if only I was awake I wouldn't feel this". Instead, it came from a the simple felt sense..."does this feel good in my system?" The biggest area where I noticed this was playing out was in body image, compulsive eating, obsessing about my weight and exercise - things that had tormented me my entire life. It was a radically different way of relating, to not be coming from a place of trying to fix myself or change my behavior because it wasn't acceptable or good enough. This simply was about if the action felt authentic, connected and in alignment with my source. This continues to embody and deepen in me. The freedom isn't to be done with any of it, it comes when there is total surrender to the endless unfolding and deepening into Love.
This transition also gave me the capacity to remain present in my intimate partnership with my husband, Chris and participate in areas where I had historically avoided. I began to embody and enjoy a sense of fearlessness in our dance together. I was no longer running from the states of consciousness that had threatened me, nor was I looking for fulfillment from Chris. I could participate from an entirely different viewpoint and was able to express deeply in extreme moments of difficulty. This would ultimately magnetize my husband into his heart. As I continued to allow the free dance of all the energies that were arising between us, I noticed that I became less reactive in difficult situations and more inclusive, present and available for real intimacy.
This just continues to be the case between us and in my life, in general. The connection with myself is the essential thing in all of this, though. It is not dependent on any relationship or ideal circumstance. This is what I know to be freedom. Falling deeply in love with the endless unfolding into Love, no matter how that looks. When attention shifts from looking for an end point to this great process of life, to simply being here, showing up exactly as you are for the dance and embodying greater depths of connection, you know you are Home.
Comments
Post a Comment